Response to "Can't We Talk?" by Deborah Tannen

As an article written for the purpose of educating a general audience about the common causes of miscommunication between the opposite sexes, I think that Tannen has done an adequate job. She attributes it partially to the “different conversational rules by which men and women play” and breaks them down into 6 different categories. On their own, each category is clearly expressed and comprehension is facilitated by the everyday examples which Tannen has included. Put together however, I found the number of categories and respective names a little too overwhelming to digest within the span of 5 pages.

Of the 6 categories that Tannen has identified, I feel that 3 of them in particular, namely “Status vs. Support”, “Independence vs. Intimacy” and “Orders vs. Proposals” can instead be grouped together under another category called “Man’s Desire for Superiority”. In “Status vs. Support”, it has already been explained that it is a case of perceived superiority between the author’s personal marriage and other people’s marriages, so I have merely renamed the category and not added anything new. In “Independence vs. Intimacy”, it is a case of male superiority between friends, as the miscommunication stems from a desire to not appear as a henpecked husband who has to seek permission from his wife, and ultimately being mocked by his friends. As for “Orders vs. Proposals”, since Nathan had already interpreted Diana’s “Let’s” as a command, if he had followed through with her suggestion, he would be subtly acceding to her “authority”, which conflicts with his desire for superiority thus causing him to get angry and resulting in miscommunication. By putting these 3 categories under 1 broad category, I personally feel that it is much easier for me to remember.

On another note, I am also curious about the reasons behind the desire for superiority that is more commonly exhibited in men rather than women in general. As the summary for WP2201C stated, “are men and women different by nature or are gender roles socially constructed?” Perhaps nature plays a role, manifesting in a subconscious, deep-seated insecurity that spurs men to prove themselves (which is the only reason I can think of to explain the author’s husband’s reaction in “Status vs. Support”).  It might also be social norms which dictate that the man calls the shots within the family, which explains the conflict in “Independence vs. Intimacy” and “Orders vs. Proposals”. 

At the same time, there seem to be some hints of bias against men in this article, which is perhaps inevitable as it is written by a woman. While lines like “He doesn’t feel that talk is required at home,” convey the exact sentiment of the man at that moment in time accurately, they nevertheless contain a subtle tone of resentment and reproach behind them. As it is quite impossible to achieve an absolutely objective piece of writing on this topic, I do look forward to reading other readings penned by the opposite sex so to gain a male’s perspective on this issue.